Last week, I went to my friend Craig’s celebration of life event. I am getting to the age where my friends are beginning to pass away. Though I hadn’t seen this friend in many years, he still holds a special place in my heart. And it was apparent that that was also true for the other people there, too.
Mostly the participants were also my friends, those who were not I had heard of from Craig. As I wandered the streets of Tokyo looking for the restaurant, I saw a couple of old friends standing outside of it, and I instantly knew I was in the right place. Despite not seeing these wonderful folks in over a decade, it felt like we had just met a few weeks before. Those are the friendships to savor and continue developing. Spending time with friends brings authentic happiness and joy. We can savor the time spent together. Often that is enough, but how did we get here?
Deep friendships like these are cultivated not only through the aging process but by investing in each other. Countless hours had been spent over the years listening to personal stories, witnessing moments of vulnerability, supporting and advising as the situations called for. We had all seen each other at both our best and worst. We had learned to deal with each others’ idiosyncrasies and that learning taught us to laugh at those personal tics rather than become annoyed by them. Friends are the family we choose.
What does it take to build that kinship?
It requires investment in three critical areas: time, attention, and trust.
We’ve all been in situations where we were invited to lunch or dinner, but we did not particularly want to go. Yet, we felt obligated to do so. Going out of our way for friends builds relationship strength that can stretch over a lifetime. Then, when we need someone to lean on, the time sacrificed for friends previously will create a cycle of reciprocity. Showing up for others will result in them showing up for you.
Mary and Jade met on the job. Jade was new and Mary recently finished her probationary period. As Jade was going through the indoctrination process, Mary could sense something was wrong with Jade. Despite Mary’s friendly demeanor and attempts to get below the surface when they worked together, Jade continued to be aloof. Mary was beginning to wonder if Jade had some issues with her. Maybe, Mary though, she just does not like me.
Despite that, Mary continued to ask Jade to lunch, but Jade always refused. After several weeks, Jade acquiesced. Over the meal, Mary told Jade about how she lost her last job and had come to work at the new one. That expression of vulnerability helped Jade to open up. She confided in Mary that she was recently divorced and had moved to Chicago for this job to put distance between herself and her past life in Atlanta. They got so engrossed in the conversation they were late returning to the office. Fortunately, no one had noticed.
It wasn’t long before Jade was able to find a path to excel at her new job. She and Mary became tight friends. Not only did the friendship benefit Jade, but Mary also profited by building her listening and leadership skills while also making a new friend with a bond much deeper than just being work colleagues.
Giving others our undivided attention is the greatest gift we have to share. That attention will help us to learn more about the people in our lives. Their family, hobbies, interests, struggles, and their dreams. We can then become active participants on their road to continual improvement instead of just spectators. Even if years pass between meetings, we can discuss those details from previous conversations, rekindling a unique bond.
Once a quarter, Fred and Tommy get together with others in their industry for a professional networking dinner. While they have seen each other several times and know one another by name, they have rarely spoken about anything meaningful. Today, however, neither was particularly interested in the featured speaker’s topic and so they sat in the back of the room looking for a distraction. Since the club has a no phones policy during the guest speaker presentation, they were virtually forced to talk together.
So, rather than listen to the talk, they initiated their own discussion. Through their discussion it was revealed that Fred was working for Tommy’s old boss. It seemed that Fred was having trouble with the relationship. Tommy had gotten along well with his former manager, and he gave Fred some advice about how to survive the challenge. At the end of the night, they exchanged business cards and have been helping each other with career advice ever since.
It’s a cold and lonely world out there and it seems like most relationships are transactional. Focusing on what one party hopes to gain from the other. These types of relationships make us feel hollow, and like nobody cares. Finding people we can confide in is rare.
Thus, there are parts of our lives we keep hidden from everyone for fear of being misunderstood or persecuted. It is truly unique to have someone we can confide in about the deepest parts of our person. Building a relationship of trust and honesty leads to deeper connections. Having a confidant that we can be comfortable talking to in moments of vulnerability (with the assurance that we will not be exploited or judged) helps us to become more rounded and confident. This provides an outlet for working through dilemmas and considering them from a range of different angles, easing fear and stress as well.
Taking the time to build relationships with the people in our lives leads to friendships we can rely on to help us through difficult times and become better versions of ourselves over a lifetime. It also gives us people we can celebrate our successes with. That is equally important. These friendships, however, don’t organically happen. We have to be proactive in booking time for a coffee and a chat, be observant of opportunities to be supportive, and meet each encounter with honesty and sincerity. These are the keys to building quality relationships.
Which of these areas -
Time, Attention, and Trust
do you want to focus on next to improve the quality of your relationships?
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